Objection to the Objectified

it's important to see the contrast
to be the flip side of the coin
after all that has happened

observing within myself
that which glorifies another
and the projections when being glorified

idolizing can be a malicious tool
where we create imaginary separation
shrinking life-force into form

what a potent addiction
for the untamed ego
to be revered - objectified

i am not wise
nor the wisdom
or the wiser

In the Face of Aloneness

"Hear me!" I shouted
In a voicetrous tenor
Looking to them to find
What is already mine
Already available

I was abandoned
No doubt
Standing in the door of aloneness
Not separate
But left in unobstructed silence
Left with my mistakes
No sympathetic ear could they lend

Without condoning what was missed
I wished something different
A collective acknowledgment
Of the many times where the tables have been turned
Showing their lack of attention on every detail
"We too have strived, we too have failed."

This is another opportunity
Most uncomfortable and alive
But I can now visibly see the contrast
And live with my renewed discipline
And move forward in discernment

The Lost October Poem or Someone Else's Story

He has his stories about life and love,
convinced of the climax,
gleaming from its brilliant denouement.

Revealing himself in verses and prose,
wisdom beyond his birth year,
but a boy he remains.

He insults me with his pride,
self-righteous,
revealing his innocence again and again and again.

Oh! I wish things differently.

I'm selfish with boyish expectations.
I've cared for an ego,
I've fed it over and over and over.

I'm starving.

The Music Plays On

melodic lines
can shake the core
without their own volition

they sing their own songs
awaking minor chords
without malicious intention

however there exists the potential
where music trickles in
when life's players are lost in the potions of love

that's where the music plays on
playing strings for the heart
impregnating the plot

that's why music will always win
for it arouses the memories therein

Untitled

once
i held you close
and now i just hold you
it feels different

but know
that even so
i hold you now
perhaps even closer

Safe Place

This is a safe place for us I think,
a training ground for where we meet.
Redefining... re-examining the here and now.
Unobstructed... without defeat.

I have to make one thing clear,
you are not the only one I have,
nor the last to win my heart.
This is not a game I'm playing.

I do not blame you.
I do not think you at fault.
I do not even contemplate your reasons,
your changes of heart.

Presume anything but this.

Hard-Wired Eyes - Part 2

It felt good to blame you for something
To yell and scream in your general direction
But I know that you are not to blame
These hard-wired eyes have been always been
Since our first chat
Since our first date

To say you've spied is my projection
That is mine, my cross to bear
I have done what I claim you do
But it's my only way to stay compassionate
To look everyday to find the man I loved
The one who told me he never loved in return

Hard-Wired Eyes

I just realized that you could see me
It's made me so upset
Knowing that you've seen every visit
Every click in your direction
I wonder if it has made you feel better than
I wonder if you've patted yourself on the back
I wonder if you've made a story
The story of the weak and obsessed

I want to know how you are
I'm not ready
Not even close
My body trembles when I start to write
Something in you doesn't want me there
Something in me knows the danger and lack

I'm bound and tied
I don't trust my ego yet
My heart shrinks at the thought of you
I'm not ready
So I come to find you in the place where creativity enters
At least there is something there
At least there is some iota of the you I recognize

Now I cringe at the thought of entering again
Knowing you spy with hard-wired eyes

A Hunt in Dieppe

2 am
i'm all alone
in this room
no one else
i miss my home
but by myself
i want something else

i need another
to make this happen
to feed this hunger
this human need
i want a touch
against my skin
i'm feeling numb
but not within

i've decided
begin the hunt
filtering with guts
can't be too picky
with intimate encounters
listening to intuition
knowing consecration
i won't be led astray
i need it simple
a physical experience
i trust the flow
of what needs to be

without delay
he finds his prey
"come over" i say
he says, "a half hour away"
the invitation is made
he's on his way

in the lobby
he arrives
what a surprise
different from the prize
i thought i was getting
yet now i feel obliged
to let him in
at least for wine
and see what lies
behind the shell
perhaps his soul
will trump his false guise

ten minutes pass
my body/mind shifts
i don't want this
it's not aligned
i honor this
and i remain
a mysterious presence
expanded invitation

there's something else
that needs to happen
with a listening attention
i discover the reason
why he's come
it's not the encounter
he might have thought
not what expected either

he needs an ear
someone to hear
hold the space
as he speaks
pouring inferiorities
his sufferings
his ego-filled existence

i'm not judging
he knows no different
but life is giving it to him
i'm witnessing pieces of myself
appreciation fills my body
this is an exploration
he's alive
being heard
opening

i feel blessed
hours pass
the creative flow
has sex surpassed
before the ego has a chance
i end the night
4 am
a hug goodnight
not much to say
maybe thank you's too much
so he nods ok
"goodluck" i say

back in my room
i lay in bed
smile on my face
i'm grateful for grace
the hunt in Dieppe
has me shifted again

And Still You Find Your Ways

and still you find your ways into my dreams
where -if by choice-
i would ask you to leave
you've come several times
subconscious sorting
integrating

the dream in the brothel
with the mistress
undressing
then laying
temptation stirring
although I could not hear
my eyes saw no touching
just you crying
she came out saying
what we all suspected

and last night on the couch
where you fell asleep
we must have woken you
your friends and some of mine
you're constantly looking in my direction
a fear behind your stare
you haven't changed in the slightest
still aloof
still guarded
as always
and still you find your ways to diminish me
why were you so cruel to me?

get out of my head this morning
i've given you enough

Shut Up

I've tried to make space.
Living in constant meditation,
yet being asked to participate.
I'm really fed up,
masking my face with a smile.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.

You're funny and endearing.
But when does that become annoying?
It was cute,
now it's not.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.

We cheered you on at the start,
now I'm hoping you'll notice
all the blank faces
no longer in support.
Please shut up and listen.
I'll do the same for you.
I know at some point,
you'll need it too.

Goodnight my Love

I'll think about you as the dream-time carries me away.
That's where you first showed up.
I'll find you there again.
And again in the waking.
You understand what I am consecrated to,
I thank you for your wisdom.
I am here always.
I wait for you with open arms,
an open heart,
and spaciousness within.
Goodnight my love.

Something Important Happened Here

i must have missed something
i don't recognize you

am i finally seeing you
without rose-colored glasses?

or are you exactly the same
and I just failed to notice?

it's possible that I made it up
blindly believing that we felt the same

i'm actually disappointed
but filled with understanding

i'm on the verge of tears
simultaneously relieved

there's an awareness of the fundamental gaps
the significant differences

yet keenly aware
something very important happened here

Be Still

it had to shift
no other choice
i asked
was given

evolution is uncomfortable
past the tears
beyond 'i should' and 'i wish'
from there release can be revered

acknowledging this fearlessness
there is compassion
it's not for the faint of heart
i do it for me- for us

i'm listening
holding Soul's candle
barely seeing what's ahead
trusting the steps of consciousness

i will breath this
for i am breath
i am that which breaths me
filling me to capacity

through the disassembling pieces
i practice my discipline
watching them float
screaming their cries

paying attention
without mending or wishing
simply listening
trusting the inner flame

there wisdom whispers
"Be still."

All in Relationship

Why did I believe it to be so complicated?
Allowing myself to sufficate my largest space,
the one inside which speaks to the soul - divine.
I'm so thankful for the revelations,
the clarity of mind and spaciousness within.

What are the expectations now?
The truth is revealed through awareness,
the careful listening attention.
Who am I?
I will wake every day anew to discover it.
What is my life and every relationship consecrated to?
I hold it in my heart.

Each particle is filled with grace and love.
Observing, reminded of my expansive being,
remembering the aliveness.

This new thought, this feeling, releases every molecule;
no head games, no fears, vulnerability embraced.
All is in relationship with this now,
the rest falls away.

My Thoughts Are My Own

I know you will come to find me here,
in this place that I hold sacred.
It's ok though.

Know this: there's been integration,
and it has shifted me.
I am filled with compassion for all of it.

Chicago has been a blessing;
emotional and spiritual digestion
have altered every cell.

I'll continue to pour
my verses and prose,
knowing you'll see what you want.

Don't let it confuse you.
These stories are about me,
they're about my consecration.

In this place... my thoughts are my own.